Why A Sub’s Inexperience Can Be a Red Flag

Inexperienced subs often cite said inexperience as the most significant barrier to finding a dominant. I’ve heard subs compare it to the Catch 22 posed by a lot of entry level jobs – everywhere you can get experience requires you to have experience already.

Inexperience undoubtedly can count against a sub – some dommes refuse to touch newbies with a ten foot barge pole and there’s good reason for that (probably a subject for another post). But, for plenty of others it’s not the lack of experience which inherently strikes someone from the running.

It’s how newbies present that inexperience.

This apparent state of affairs leads some newbies to exaggerate, or outright even lie, about their previous experience. Others attempt to market their lack of experience as a selling point. ‘Looking for someone to teach me’ or ‘highly trainable’ are staple keywords in inexperienced subs’ ads and messages.

I probably don’t have to explain why the first is a bad idea. But just in case anyone’s even half-considered it one particularly dejected Tuesday afternoon, I’ll just say why – a D/s dynamic is based on mutual trust.

A dynamic which starts on a half-truth or even worse, an outright lie, is not going to go far. If, indeed, it goes anywhere at all. Pretty much any experienced domme [and indeed experienced human being] will be able to tell from a mile away.

But what’s wrong with saying ‘teach me’?

There’s nothing wrong with asking for a bit of guidance when you’re new to something. If you have a more experienced partner, it’s only natural that you will learn things from them.

The thing is, there is a monumental difference between being open to learning and expecting someone to do the work for you.

And the vast majority… No, every single newbie I’ve talked to, who advertised that they are ‘trainable’ etc, turned out to have no knowledge about BDSM whatsoever. They hadn’t read even the most basic resource out there.

Why is that a red flag?

BDSM, even if it’s a bedroom-only, sex-game kind of a deal, requires at least some theoretical knowledge – even a cursory understanding of aftercare or the basics of communication. And if someone doesn’t learn that themselves, their partner has to educate them.

Obviously, that’s not most people’s idea of fun. But the reason I’d call it a red flag is a tad more serious. Namely, that that attitude often evidences a complete lack of understanding that it takes both parties to create / maintain a dynamic. This happily goes hand in hand with the misconceptions that dominants impose dynamics on entirely passive submissives.

Someone who won’t put in effort into educating themselves before they get their jollies certainly isn’t going to start after.

Most dominant woman will see it for the red flag it is.

But I’ve spoken to a few newbie dommes who found themselves shouldering the weight of the effort. They often ended up burnt out, questioning if they were cut out for D/s at all. Unsurprisingly, a few dommes I know in the ‘won’t touch newbies with a ten-foot-barge-pole’ club were those newbies once.

So, what should inexperienced subs do?

It’s quite simple – be honest and educate yourself. Naturally, I’d advise newbie dommes to do the same. There are a lot of fabulous resources out there and reading a guide or two can go a long way.

And if you’re an inexperienced sub writing an ad or a message – saying ‘teach me’ isn’t going to help your chances. I’m sure you have a lot more to offer as a person than being a blank slate.

Miss Rosa

Miss Rosa

I'm a lifestyle domme - D/s is my ‘normal’. It's an integral part of who and how I am. This blog contains BDSM advice, memories, rants, rambles, and answers to the questions which rock up in my inbox over and over. If you have any thoughts, do leave a comment!

2 thoughts on “Why A Sub’s Inexperience Can Be a Red Flag”

  1. Pingback: Why a Sub’s Inexperience Can be a Red Flag – Silken Claws

  2. Once again, you raise a topic in an interesting and thought-provoking way. As a newbie myself, you know how important you have been to my education and growth in D/s. Something for which I shall be eternally grateful.

    In fact, we “met” over a stupid question I asked in a forum you moderate. At the time, I thought it was a great question. Your clear and concise rebuttal irked me at first, until I had had time to understand it better, and then when I wrote to you, you graciously engaged with me. The things that you taught me, or made me think about, greatly affected the path I have embarked upon.

    What is a newbie to do? I absolutely love the learning part. Love “crossing the threshold” and wish I could do it over and over again. In other words, my inexperience is part of what I enjoy most about discovering things in D/s.

    I will admit that any woman who is in touch with her power, and is not afraid to exert it, is very seductive to me. I am intrigued by this because for me there can be only one Domme, but what to do about all the other Dommes? Show respect, yes, absolutely, but in my submissive heart I have to acknowledge that every time I encounter a true Domme, I feel a little seam in the Universe. They don’t feel to me like the same people as vanilla people.

    I’ve been reading Rika recently. She writes about lifestyle D/s from a F/m perspective, and I really love it. She reminds me philosophically of you. I will write a review of her books as I finish them, and I committed to read them all before I “speak” with her again, but she too, like you, is an educator. It is wonderful beyond words to know that people like you take the time to educate people like me.

    At the beginning of our chats was the topic of love within D/s, which remains my deepest interest. One of the things you wrote to me resonated more than any other. It was about the importance of equality in a D/s relationship. That is a very powerful concept which runs counter to 99% of what is out there. Ditto, your many comments on fetish-fulfillment.

    I carry your teaching with me every day. Thank you for writing, and for sharing these words.

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I’m a lifestyle domme. This is a place for my writing and reflections on kink, lifestyle D/s, and the endless stream of nonsense in my inbox. 

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