Silken Claws

Thoughts of a Lifestyle Domme

'The ratio' of dommes to subs is a myth. So, why do so many male subs claim that finding a domme is impossible?
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‘The ratio’ – the idea that male subs vastly outnumber dommes – is commonly cited grounds for the idea that finding a domme is impossible. I have heard various numbers bandied around, from 3:1 to even 100:1.

This is of course exceedingly appealing fodder for those who have their heart set on the idea that finding a domme is both as likely and as dependent on their own conduct as winning the lottery.

Finding a partner is undoubtedly difficult. For everyone. It takes time, patience, and effort. But dominant women are out there. Pop along to a munch or event and you will find that the mythical masses of submissive men are absolutely nowhere to be seen.

So, why do so many male subs complain that finding a domme is impossible?

Well, firstly, most personals sites are dominated (pun perhaps intended) by self-proclaimed male subs. There are several reasons for this.

The mods of r/femdompersonals on Reddit conducted a survey a while ago and found the majority of dommes prefer to browse ads and reply to the ones that catch their eye, rather than post their own. As female choosiness broadly applies as the guiding principle in hetero-sexual dating across vanilla, M/f and F/m circles, you might say this is hardly surprising.

However, dommes online face a particular issue: we get spammed with messages, whether we post or not. Three or four messages a day is about the going rate for simply existing as a dominant woman in any online capacity.

But doesn’t that prove the ratio is real? Surely that means dommes just have even more choice!

Well… no.

Those unsolicited messages are invariably sent by one-handed typists, who generally would be better described as fetishists than submissives. They have a particular itch and they don’t care what they use to scratch it. The surface they project their fantasy onto isn’t really important, as long as it’s dominant-approximate.

Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing inherently amiss with being a fetishist. However, clambering your way into someone’s inbox penis-first, with no consideration for them as a human is a dick move, figuratively as well as literally.

Developing a dynamic takes mutual effort and respect. To state the blindingly obvious – someone who can’t be bothered to read a domme’s profile, nor afford her the common courtesy of treating her as a human, not a fetish object, is a complete non-starter.

While personally I tolerate these messages, they do discourage many dommes from participating and being visible in online BDSM communities.

Well, fine then, the unsolicited messages don’t count. But what about all the replies dommes get to their posts?

Even when dommes do post, the vast majority of messages they receive are from people who did not read their posts and / or are the same calibre of fetishist mentioned above. [I will write a longer post on this ‘flood’ soon, so watch this space.]

In fact, at most 5% of the tsunami a domme’s inbox faces will feature thought-out, well written replies from people who have actually read the post.

This further encourages dominant women to lurk on personals sites, replying to what catches their eye.

(I am by no means representative, but as it so happens, I met my sub when I messaged him precisely because his ad caught my eye).

You say dommes are out there, but I haven’t got one.

This is a subject for another post, given this is probably getting to the end of your attention span (and mine). I will just conclude with this though – finding a partner is a difficult, lengthy, and at times disheartening process, regardless of whether you are male or female, dominant or submissive, or none of the above.

The important thing to remember is, if you are unhappy alone, chances are you will be just as unhappy with someone else. And what is more, make someone else unhappy too.

That’s not to say a partner can’t contribute to the pursuit of happiness. But if you aren’t at least mostly alright with your own brain, a dynamic will not magically fix that for you.


1 thought on “The Sub / Domme Ratio”

  1. Rosa, it is wonderful to see another rich and thought-provoking post from you. Every time I read one of your posts I find it challenges some assumption or idea that I might have had, or that are common in the D/s world. Your voice on this topic is refreshing and nice to hear. The more of the misconceptions we clear up, the better.

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I’m a lifestyle domme. This is a place for my writing and reflections on kink, lifestyle D/s, and the endless stream of nonsense in my inbox. 

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