The following is post is based off a set of How to Guides, posted on Reddit by u/JurisprudentMoll, a fellow mod of r/femdompersonals in our resource section.
For a variety of reasons, not least of which being Reddit’s recent behaviour, JurisprudentMoll has asked me to host these guides on here, instead of Reddit. And I am very happy to oblige.
Having covered how to write a good femdom personal advert today, I’ll be talking about how to message a dominant to increase your chances of getting a reply.
As always, these are just guidelines and not strict rules. This guide is particularly intended for those who are a new, anxious, or generally not quite sure how or what to say in their first message.
Every dominant is different, but this guide contains general tips which you should keep in mind as a minimum standard.
Read their advert!
Admittedly, if you’re reading this, this first point is not likely to apply to you.
That said, for any new or particularly thirsty subs come across this, and I cannot stress this enough, make sure you read the dominants advert carefully and in full.
Dominant women are not a hive mind – the best way to find out what she wants is to read what she wrote.
Do not message dommes if you don’t fit the requirements they have set out.
Messaging them is both of a waste of your time as well as theirs. In fact, the amount of thirsty DMs is why a lot of dommes stay out of sight online, perpetuating the myth of ‘the ratio’. By spamming dominant women you know are clearly incompatible, you are making the community worse for everyone else – not only will you burn yourself faster, but you also make it more likely everyone burns out faster too.
Avoid copying and pasting
I know, I know, you send out 30 messages a day and nobody ever replies so of course you’re going to re-use certain things. But at the end of the day, dommes can spot a straight up copy and paste job.
This post explains how to write an opening message, and after a bit of practice, you can probably spend about 5 minutes writing a decent opening message, which will be a bit more personal, more authentic, and more worthy of time than the CTRL+V shotgun-approach.
Obviously, what you write doesn’t have to be 100% original every time. As long as your message meets the other criteria I’ve written about in this post, you’ll probably be fine.
Address them how they want to be addressed
Everyone has different feelings about titles. Some people love referring to everyone by their title, others prefer to only use titles with their specific partner. Or anywhere in between.
That being said, if I go by ‘Mistress’, don’t call me ‘Miss’ or ‘Ma’am’. If a potential domme doesn’t specify how she wants to be addressed in her post, just ask! It’s a small but appreciated gesture of respect.
Write in coherent sentences
Nobody wants a 2,000 word high wall of meandering wild thoughts in their inbox – use full stops, line breaks, paragraphs. Punction is your friend.
I’m also a big believer in the importance of good grammar and spelling; throw your message into a Word document or an online spell check if you’re not happy proofing by eye.
Introduce yourself in a 2-3 short sentences
If you already have your own personal advert and post history that a prospective domme can refer to when looking at your message, keep your intro short and sweet.
If not, your response might need to be longer, but keep in mind the point about the wall of text above – focus on getting the basic facts across in a concise, clear way. Try to apply the same principles set out in this guide on how to write a great personal ad.
If the domme has specified certain criteria – for example, that they are only looking for people in a certain age range and location – make sure you include those in the first opening lines. If you are sending pictures, make it clear whether they are SFW or NSFW.
Dommes get a lot of messages and if we can’t establish if you are what we are looking for quickly-ish, then there’s more chance we’ll think you don’t meet our needs and move on to the next message.
Explain what you liked about their advert
Again, in a 2-3 short, simple sentences tell the prospective dom what specific parts stood out to you. Make it clear why you are interested in them in particular.
It’s true that dominant women online get spammed, but the vast majority of prospective ‘subs’ write no-effort one liners looking for someone to fulfil their fantasies. Stand out by making it clear why you are messaging that domme specifically and show you aren’t just looking for a kink dispenser.
What is it about them that makes you want to talk to them? Did they mention a specific fetish that you just fucking love? Do they live in the same location and that gets you hyped? Share a bit about your values and what you’re looking for.
Sell yourself (just a little bit)
Say a bit about why you’re a good potential submissive / partner / human to talk to. In what ways do you align as human beings with the person you’re messaging? Do you have shared interests, hobbies? What are you good at? What are you interested in? Why are you a good match based on what you’ve read about the person you’re messaging?
Don’t over-do it – don’t ham it up or beg (unless you’ve decided to message a dominant who specifically requests that, but that only raises further questions).
Keep in mind is that you are just two normal human beings who happen to be kinky. You are messaging to to get to know each other and to find out if you might be a good match. Approach it as a conversation, not a means of imminent fantasy fulfilment.
Create a ‘Call To Action’
Calling it a call to action is a little bit reductive but, broadly, the same principles apply.
Give the prospective dominant a reason to reply to you – ask a sincere question or clarification about something they’ve said, show interest, tell them about something that they might want to talk more about based on what you know about them.
That said, I’d say ask three questions at the very most – you want to have a conversation, not have them fill out a questionnaire!
An Example Opening Message
Hi [name / honorific of choice],
I’m [name], a X year old submissive from Y. I saw your post on r/femdompersonals, and I am also looking for [long-term relationship / hook-up / etc].
I am a [whatever you are] and my hobbies include [hobby 1, hobby 2]. I have recently gotten into [thing], which I have found [interesting / exhausting/ etc] because….
I really liked that you included [kink, hobby, random sentence in their post] because… Can you tell me a bit more about [thing they mentioned]?
If you’d like to chat a bit more, I have [Discord / Skype / Kik / am happy to have a conversation on Reddit].
Here is a [SFW / NSFW] picture of me, if you’d like to see [link].
See how easy that is? A couple of sentences, adapted and specific, engaging and opens the door to a conversation.
Anyway, hope this helps. Your thoughts and comments are welcome below.