Staying Safe Online & Spotting 'Fake' Doms

New to femdom? Don’t pay for it.

Seriously. There is no need.

Findom is not a default. While findom might be considered a valid kink between consenting adults, it’s a distinct fetish. You don’t have to be into findom to find a domme. If it’s not your thing, you don’t need to engage with it.

In fact, there are plenty of lifestyle dommes out there who want a relationship / dynamic / casual play.

For the right person, you have inherent value. D/s is supposed be symbiotic – a mutual fulfilment of needs and wants. You deserve more than trying to buy fake attention or affection or sexual gratification.

By default, you do not need to pay for the attention of another person. It’s just not how healthy human relationships work.

Sex work is real work – it is valid and there are plenty of places for sex workers to advertise. However, r/femdompersonals is not one of them. Financial exchange is strictly prohibited under our rules.

A reputable pro-domme or sex worker of any kind will not randomly approach you on Reddit.

If you want to seek out a pro, go for it! Honestly, if you want someone to just fulfil your kinks, pay them for that service. There’s absolutely no shame in it. Look for local dommes in your area – legitimate pros will usually have their own websites, complete with testimonials and what they require from prospective clients.

Remember real pro-dommes do not need to come to you; they do not need to lie to you or try to manipulate you.

So, unless you have found a reputable pro….

DO NOT PAY FOR A DOMINANT PARTNER

Scammers have apparently normalised it online, but it is absolutely not normal or necessary.

Never. Ever. Exchange. Money.

Don’t do it.

And by ‘money’, I mean everything including: tribute fees, subscription fees, subscribing to OnlyFans, buying items for another person, buying items for yourself on the demand of another person, giving them Amazon gift cards or buying from wishlists, paying for their dogs surgery, paying for their flights, paying for a new phone. This also includes paying for ‘room booking fees’ or subscribing to a paid ‘BDSM dating site’ or ‘BDSM Directory’.

If anybody ever asks you for any of the above, block them immediately and try using the subreddit’s new reporting system.

Stay anonymous – use throwaway, secure accounts

The other vital way you can protect yourself from scammers is to take your privacy online seriously.

You will be surprised how easy it can be to find you. Consider the following:

Do you use the same usernames between websites?
Do you have your friends and family on Instagram?
Can I search for your phone number on LinkedIn or Facebook?
Do you have any linked accounts displayed on your Discord profile?

So, here are some tips to avoid falling prey to blackmail:

create a Discord account with a unique username and password;
create a Telegram account and change your privacy settings to hide your phone number;
con’t communicate using social media or apps which you also use to communicate with your friends and family;
don’t re-use any pictures from social media;
disable EXIF data on your camera (this is really important!);
lock down ANY social media to friends-only, hiding your friends list where possible;
Facebook and LinkedIn allow you to hide your profile from being collected by search engines;
don’t overshare specific information like the exact town you live in, your job title, your school, etc;
never ever share your face in the same picture as your genitals; and
never give anybody access to any of your accounts.

How to spot a scammer – warning signs

The following are amber-flags, not automatic red flags and should be considered in context of the other person. However, if someone displays multiple of the below behaviours / traits, at the very least, proceed with caution.

Scammers commonly:

use bad spelling and grammar (scammers do this intentionally);
use apps which are known for spam and lack of enforcement (Kik and Snapchat are notoriously bad);
try to get you to reveal too much personal information about yourself too quickly;
demand access to any of your personal or reddit accounts;
want to get you naked as soon as possible;
have no post history, no verified e-mail, and a brand new account;
refuse to verify that they are real (eg by writing their username + a word you picked on a crumpled piece of paper);
get defensive and / or blame / gaslight you if you question their intentions; and
immediately want you to submit to them and do whatever they say.

If you’ve been scammed…

…don’t get too hung upon on it. It does unfortunately happen, despite best efforts.

It can feel embarrassing and humiliating and terrifying – but you will be okay.

Most of the time, these people aren’t going to release anything. They just want money.

If you give them any money, they will always want more money.

Do not pay them. Nothing.

If a blackmailer sends you or tells you the name of your friends, family members, or work place, the severity of the threat has increased and must be taken much more seriously by involving the real authorities.

In all cases of sextortion or blackmail:

Stop communicating with the scammer. If you must talk to them, be polite and non-abusive. Don’t show weakness.
Take screenshots of any communication, profiles, etc. for evidence
Delete or unsend any messages that you can, starting with NSFW content
Block and delete them from your friends list
lock down all your social media (if you haven’t done so already)
Contact the non-urgent police number in your location
(Optionally) inform people close to you that you are being blackmailed; for both emotional support and to pre-warn them not to click any links or open any unknown messages. It’s okay to seek support.
Give it time for the feelings of horror, shame, and embarrassment to pass. They will go away. You are sadly far from alone in having had this experience.